When Self-Care Sucks!

Sometimes taking care of ourselves is hard. Really hard. We have used taking care of others and putting ourselves last as a way to deal, or not deal with our own sh&*. By putting all of our focus on others we haven’t had to look too closely at the mirror. Looking in the mirror can be a scary thing, (sometimes literally- I know, I have had that issue too) but when we stop putting all of our focus on the outside on others- start dealing with our own pain- our own traumas- ts and Ts- that is when things start getting good. 

I have been doing a lot of self-care- not the bubble bath- facial- kind… though that kind is completely fabulous, it is fleeting. The deferred maintenance kind- seeing my PCP, addressing some medication issues (having some removed and weaning off others). Getting back to the gym, doing yoga… 

 One of the things I have been doing is seeing a PT for dry needling on my CMC joints- and if you don’t know what either of those are, that is freaking awesome for you, HAHA just kidding, but no really. It involves poking needles into my hands. Finding the spots that hurt and purposely poking them with the needle to get a release in the muscle. She describes it as a really deep tissue massage- that is a really nice way to put it. It wouldn’t be how I would. I have noticed that I DREAD my appointments, don’t get me wrong- she is amazing, I truly enjoy her, but dang- it hurts. BUT- it has been working. I have been having less pain, and she can feel a difference in my hands. 

This reminded me of when I was having sessions with my own coach- we went deep- found the sore spots in my psyche and in my energy and poked them- it wasn’t fun and honestly I kind of dreaded those appointments too- however, they also worked. She would just watch me, and know when we needed to go deep. Watch my body language and know what needed to be done.  I was able to make so many amazing changes in my life and deal with things that I hadn’t dealt with before. Things that had haunted me, that is why I knew I had to learn more about that work, that is why I want to do that work with my own clients. 

That is why I do transformative coaching. I know that it is through the deep work that real change happens, that is when we get to the good part. That is why I have grown my skill set and continue to do so, because I know exactly how transformative this work is. What changed? I know it is too vague to say ME… so I will try to give some clear cut examples.

I found my voice.  I now ask for exactly what I want and need, this is revolutionary for a couple reasons, first, I know what I want. That may sound simple, but I did not always have a clue what I liked, what I wanted, or how to even figure that out. Secondly, even if I knew what I wanted, I didn’t feel like it mattered enough to ask for it, like I was worthy enough, or high enough on anyone’s list for it to matter. Now I know not only am I worthy- but I am making sure that I am high enough on the list- my list to matter. I don’t apologize for my needs, I don’t apologize for existing. 

I found my silly- somewhere along the way of life I lost her. I can actually pinpoint some of the points in life where I dropped parts of her. Decided that it was too dangerous to let those parts show. But through my work I was able to go back and find the parts- and now I am able to play with my beautiful granddaughter in ways that I didn’t with my own kids. Yes- I have some guilt about that- but all I can do is say I am sorry I truly did my best. I can try and repair it with my children and through that they can learn that no parent is perfect, we are all just out here doing our best, but I am learning and they will too. That is a powerful thing to give my children. But, now I can let go and play- be silly- in ways I couldn’t before. I feel free in ways I wasn’t before. I was so worried about how it looked, it didn’t feel safe. Now I know I am safe and I don’t give a damn who is watching or how it looks. I care about how it feels- for her, for me…

I found my purpose. This journey has allowed me to find the work that brings me joy, deep, soul filling joy. I can be truly exhausted, worn out, but I will have a session with a client and when we do the deep- soul building work I leave the session feeling energized and renewed. I know that this is exactly what I am meant to do, and it fills me with so much joy to help others find renewal and peace. 

This journey has taken me down through the depths and back out again and I am forever thankful and I would never take it back- I could never go back. So yes, sometimes self care sucks- in the moment- but the payoff is so incredibly worthwhile.